Spirituality Studies 10-2 Fall 2024 85 Elaine Leeder a religion; it had meaning, importance to me. Look at what I had missed all those years. Perhaps it was because I was now so much older, had run so far away, that I had now come back on myself; I could embrace the things I rejected because they did not have the painful sting of my childhood. 5 That Which I Do Not Understand I once heard a cantor refer to God as “that which I do not understand”. It was a phrase that resonated with me. I do not understand much about the world, why it exists, how it came into being and what life is all about. The phrase had resonance because it embraced the unknowable, the ineffable of being, the complexity of never being able to truly understand it all. Sure, there are models for understanding, that is what religion is all about, as well as science. But the more we know the more we know that we know very little! I liked the explanation that there is much about the universe and the meaning of it all that is not comprehensible. I began to use this term because it spoke to me in ways that the term “God” did not. I could relate to not understanding it all and being quite confused about the mysteries of life and death. No one had ever used words that explained how I felt in my skin or my spiritual beliefs. This phrase said it all for me. Also, the process was enhanced by a friendship I developed with my friend Shari Brenner, who became the doula for my event. She knew Hebrew well and all aspects of the service, the meanings of each component, and held my hand from beginning to end. In fact, she was present when I bought my tallit at the Judaica store. When I put it on both she, myself and the woman owner all wept. Later she sat by me during the service to help me deal with the anxiety. Her friendship provided a bridge to a world heretofore not known to me. I was grateful to have a pragmatic guide. Because of my prison work doing restorative justice with offenders and their victims I was given a grant by a Chasidic organization to talk about Jewish values and the spirituality that take place in these sacred moments of healing between harmer and harmed. I have been on the road, teaching about Jewish values and restorative justice to over 50 organizations around the world. As a result, the organization gave me a Chasidic woman teacher, my dear Rivky Slonim. They believed, rightly so, that I needed to learn more about Chasidic thought to inform my own teaching. So, another teacher was added to my education. And what an education it has been. Rivky and I talk about the Sefirot, Counting the Omer, Jewish mystical thoughts on death, the Kabbalah, and other areas that I never even knew existed in Jewish thought. It had opened my eyes to the depth, substance and spirituality that is present in Judaism. I have been honored to study with both profoundly deep and meaningful teachers. I am privileged to be their student. In addition, I began to learn to sing some of the prayers and the songs from the service. My dear friend Sheridan Gold lent me a tambourine, taught me how to sing a few songs and I learned a few prayers to sing as well. I often said that studying for my Bas Mitzvah was much harder than obtaining my PhD. In that effort I had not had to learn to sing or to learn a whole new language. This was very hard work indeed. 6 The Bas Mitzvah On June 29, 2024, just a week before I turned eighty years old, I had a Bas Mitzvah. It was a joyous experience, with me playing the tambourine for the songs, reciting the Ve’ahavta and the Shema with my dear friend Orren, who had helped me learn it for over a year. I did my parsha in Yiddish, with English transliteration, and then a drash about my reading of that parsha and its relevance to me and to Israel today. I spoke about being a grasshopper and becoming a giant, and how Israel too has become in the eyes of the world. Although I feared a strong reaction by some, it was well received. My family came from Boston, Florida, Los Angeles, Oregon and Seattle, some people I had not seen for many years. I gave honors to each part of my family and friends, to appreciate what they had all done for me. Almost two hundred people were in person, or on zoom. Many spoke of it being a spiritual experience for them to be in the room. Some said that their grandparents showed up, and one said she had a deeply moving, transformative experience that brought her back to her childhood dedication to spirituality. I do know there was an energy in the room that was remarkable for the whole two- and one-half hours. One of the highlights from me was the singing of Micha Mocha, with a rendition by Debbie Friedman. In it I played the tambourine, accompanied by the drums, violin and guitar. The whole room was alive with the energy of all of us celebrating the crossing of the Red Sea, with timbals and drums, like Miriam and the other women after they crossed to the other side. Many of the congregants formed a line, dancing
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