sions had produced dramatic changes – to the point that on occasions I was afraid that my sanity or even my life was at stake – could evoke such a minimal response. I decided to close my eyes and observe carefully what was happening. At this point, the experience seemed to deepen, and I realized that what with my eyes open appeared to be an adult experience of a viral disease now changed into a realistic situation of a fetus suffering some strange toxic insults during its intrauterine existence. I was greatly reduced in size, and my head was disproportionately larger than the rest of my body and extremities. I was suspended in a liquid milieu and some harmful chemicals were being channeled into my body through the umbilical area. Using some unknown receptors, I was detecting these influences as noxious and hostile to my organism. While this was happening, I was aware that these toxic “attacks” had something to do with the condition and activity of the maternal organism. Occasionally, I could distinguish influences that appeared to be due to ingestion of alcohol, inappropriate food, or smoking and others that I perceived as chemical mediators of my mother’s emotions – anxieties, nervousness, anger, conflicting feelings about pregnancy, and even sexual arousal. Then the feelings of sickness and indigestion disappeared, and I was experiencing an everincreasing state of ecstasy. This was accompanied by a clearing and brightening of my visual field. It was as if multiple layers of thick, dirty cobwebs were being magically torn and dissolved, or a poor-quality movie projection or television broadcast were being brought into focus by an invisible cosmic technician. The scenery opened up, and an incredible amount of light and energy was enveloping me and was streaming in subtle vibrations through my whole being. On one level, I was a fetus experiencing the ultimate perfection and bliss of a good womb and could also switch to the experience of a newborn fusing with a nourishing and life-giving breast of my mother. On another level, I was witnessing the spectacle of the macrocosm with countless pulsating and vibrating galaxies and, at the same time, I could actually become it and be identical with it. These radiant and breathtaking cosmic vistas were intermingled with experiences of the equally miraculous microcosm from the dance of atoms and molecules to the origins of life and the biochemical world of individual cells. For the first time, I was experiencing the universe for what it really is – an unfathomable mystery, a divine play of energy. Everything in this universe appeared to be conscious and alive. For some time, I was oscillating between the state of a distressed, sickened fetus and blissful and serene intrauterine existence. At times, the noxious influences took the form of insidious demons or malevolent creatures from the world of fairy tales. During the undisturbed episodes of fetal existence, I experienced feelings of basic identity and oneness with the universe. It was the Tao, the Beyond that is Within, the Tat tvam asi (Thou art That) of the Upanishads. I lost my sense of individuality; my ego dissolved, and I became all of existence. Sometimes this experience was intangible and contentless, sometimes it was accompanied by many beautiful visions – archetypal images of Paradise, the ultimate cornucopia, golden age, or virginal nature. I became a dolphin playing in the ocean, a fish swimming in crystal- clear waters, a butterfly floating in mountain meadSpirituality Studies 2 (1) Spring 2016 17
RkJQdWJsaXNoZXIy MzgxMzI=