into its tune, so exalted and effective – exactly this pulled me out from the peak moment of the highest sacrifice. It happened at the last step of surrendering myself to God. Yet this connection of soul and God, this rebirth, cannot take place in any other way than in the deepest silence, in the greatest silence of mind, without its minutest movement or quiver, in an absolute surrender of the ego in mystical death. Since the ego does not want to surrender for a long time, it uses each opportunity, even the holiest one, to avoid its own death. At the peak moment, even the holiest mantra is an obstacle. Universal, Formless Being, Nameless, Oh Being! Without attributes. How distant I am from You When I invoke Your Grace And receive it fully. How distant I am from You When I praise Your Grace Which is filling me. Oh my love, burn yourself, Oh longing, drown in the last wave. Abysmal Depth Engulf that, Which still wants to be At least a worshipper. When my human self fully came to itself, I cried from regret and asked the Lord to help me overcome this intricate verge of mystical death, from which many turn back. It is the fear of death that returned me to the sphere of “unlimited awareness“, which is not the ultimate one. So I asked God to help me die for him, assuring him that I did not want anything else. Several days later during contemplation I again reached a deep internal state. I was submerging more and more into God’s presence. Initially I could hear beautiful music similar to the famous tune from Smetana’s opera, Bartered Bride, with the lyrics “Come then let us all be merry since God grants us health today“. I had heard it before quite often. Although the tune reminded me of those heard in the world, the sound was perfect. Later I heard the same ideas from an acquaintance of ours, an organist and composer: “Inner music is perfect, while outer instruments, even the best, are not that flawless”. To the music, “Come then let us be merry“, which supposedly expressed worldly joys, I gave a clear answer within: “I do not want this“, and submerged deeper. The cheerful, merry tones changed immediately into a marvelous hymn, which always before used to elevate my mind and my feelings to God. Since the ego does not want to surrender for a long time, it uses each opportunity, even the holiest one, to avoid its own death. But my more deep-seated self said again: “I do not want this either“. And the deepest, divine Self said with a mute voice, still present in my consciousness: “What do you want then?“ With all my heart, all my being, I answered: “To die for God.“ At the instant the universe swayed, dissolved, 78 Míla Tomášová
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